Amanda Heineman
When we think of the struggles we’re faced with in college, we think of too much homework, cramming for tests, anxiety levels rising, not finding time for self care, and even depressive episodes. What rarely comes to mind are the abundance of disordered eating habits many face. Whether it’s obsessively going to the gym to “burn off” a meal, purposely skipping meals, counting coffee as meals, counting calories, cutting out food groups, or not eating before a part all for the purpose of “being skinny”, then that is disordered eating, and it’s not healthy. More than it should, those unhealthy eating habits morph into full eating disorders. These issues are not talked about nearly enough as they should be, especially in a college setting. So many students, but especially females struggle with disordered eating and get an eating disorder while in college. This topic is very personal and important to me as I’ve struggled with disordered eating for about five years now, and for two of those years, I had a very serious eating disorder for which I did go to in an inpatient treatment program.
I grew up dancing, with a specific love for ballet. I was told I was talented and as a young girl, I had the “ballet body”. When I was 14, however I had hit puberty, my body started changing, and I gained some weight. I was not by any means fat, but I wasn’t as small as I had used to be. That, coupled with the stress of starting high school, led me to have binge episodes where I would just eat and eat and eat and then feel absolutely awful later. I never told anyone how stressed I was, or found any ways to cope with the stress, so I found comfort in food. Naturally, because of this, I put on more weight. I started to really hate how I looked but at the same time, didn’t want to see it because of dance. When I was around fifteen, I realized that if I did want to try to pursue a career in dance, then I had to start working hard immediately. In my case, because of the (mildly unreasonable) body standards in dance, that meant I had to lose weight. It started out healthy, it really did. But soon I became obsessed with the number on the scale, with calories, with how I looked in clothes, with exercising. I lost 50 lbs in 5 months. I was proud of it then, but now I realize that for anyone, but especially a teenage girl who was barely overweight, that is insanely unhealthy and dangerous. I became so comfortable with having an eating disorder that I didn’t think it was an issue. I knew I was losing weight but I just thought “oh when it gets really bad I’ll be able to stop.”. Spoiler alert: it WAS really bad, and I was NOT able to stop, nor did I want to. I was on my way to dying and I didn’t even notice it. When I was 16, I agreed to go to a partial inpatient program. Thankfully, over that month, I got the help I needed to be able to go back to school without a total relapse. The rest of that year was hard, I’m not going to lie, and when things like school or dance felt overwhelming or out of control, I’d turn to something I could control – my body. It was a 2 steps forward, 1 step back situation. I never had a full relapse, but to me, overexercising, starving, and purging were things I found comfort and safety in. I know that messed up, but that’s what eating disorders do – they mess with your mind so much that you find comfort in damaging behaviors. Within a year I was considered “recovered”, but is a bumpy ride. I was blessed enough to be accepted to one of the top ballet training schools in the country, as well as amazing summer programs, but of course that took it’s toll and throughout the next two years I was still having a very hard time with body dysmorphia and disordered eating. Even after I sustained an injury which sadly stopped my ballet career in its tracks, it took months for me to stop the obsession over being “skinny”. Now, I still struggle with staying on track, and I do slip up, I still don’t have a healthy relationship with food and exercise all the time, but the most important part here is that I’m trying. I’m not trying to lose weight, I am trying to get stronger, I am trying to view food as good, and I am learning to see myself and my body as worthy of love when I’m at a healthy weight.
What frustrates me, is that with all the mental health issues students are facing today, and the resources our college as well as many others offer, eating disorders are essentially ignored. They’re swept under the rug, and many of us struggling ignore it too, because “its not that bad” “I’m just trying to lose a few pounds for summer” “gotta look skinny tonight” “I’m just not hungry” and we are either oblivious or choose to ignore warning signs in the people around us as well. 10-20% of women and 4-10% of men develop and eating disorder while they are in college and twice as many suffer from disordered eating. If this is the case, why isn’t it being addressed? Why aren’t there on campus resources? It’s shocking to me, that eating disorders are dismissed or ignored on college campuses worldwide for 2 main reasons. 1. Other than weight; stress, depression and anxiety are the main roots of eating disorders. What do college students suffer from? Stress, depression, and anxiety. This is known, addressed, and resources are given. 2. Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa are the two deadliest mental illnesses. I hope that sharing my story can help at least one person who is struggling, and really bring awareness to eating disorders and disordered eating and how prevalent they are, especially in college.
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